it's not often that i actually post an entry here. mostly this blog is just for me to post pictures.

 

this winter break was a watershed moment in my life. i have always thought that my peers were being self-absorbed when they wax lyrical about  "turning points" in their lives, but i cannot help but think that the breakup with sherilyn will be an immensely important moment in my life even when i think back on it many years down the road.

 

 

i guess that's the question that hits me where it hurts most, really. because i have no real idea why we broke up. there was no real buildup to our breakup, so the shock of it was overwhelming at the point of impact. i mean, when i recovered enough after the breakup i did a lot of self-reflection and i realised that i was a bad boyfriend. that provoked a lot of guilt and regret in me, even today.

 

was there anger? maybe, but just a bit. i came to the conclusion that she must have planned all this beforehand, and that she probably thought about it for a long time. i felt ever so slightly foolish that i didn't notice the underlying buildup. rationally i should have been angry with myself for being so stupid. emotionally i was angry with her for being so cruel.

 

there was another important reason why i felt she was cruel. if i were honest with myself i was contemplating a breakup also, simply because i was worried that my being overseas for so long was unfair to her. the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow wasn't so easy to find in real life, i reasoned. but i decided not to do anything about it. in part it was cowardice, but mainly it was just a deep, deep fear of cutting off what was so precious to me. it wasn't just about her, it was also about me. breaking up with her meant that a huge chunk of my memories (beautiful ones, too) for the last 5 years of so of my life would be stained with sadness. i can no longer look back at orientation in jc, for example, with blissful happiness. it is now just sad, sad nostalgia. therefore, i felt that she was cruel because she could do something that my heart didn't allow me to do. irrational? yes.

 

ultimately, though, i found some sort of inner peace. ultimately, she was a very good girlfriend when we were together. she was always accomodating, always understanding. despite our breakup, if it wasn't for her i wouldn't have enjoyed the past 5 years of my life half as much. so, if you are reading this, thank you. thank you for loving me once.